Dead On The Inside
I tell ya, life: it’s crazy! But you know that already, because you’re alive, too. Or are you? ARE YOU? Oh God. I killed another one. Words are powerful, never forget that kids. Did you see me just kill a guy with my blog post? Yeah. Never take life for granted.
As alive as I am, I definitely feel like I’m dead. I’ve been staying up late (around 2:30am – College Students, don’t scoff at me, I’m not made of awake like I used to be) and working on a computer for a client and trying to accomplish school work. My cat loves me though, because she’s nocturnal and when I stay up late, she can play with the lights on. This computer’s been taking a while because I had to come to the conclusion it needed re-working from the ground up, and in order to do so, I have to back-up some 400 gigabytes of data (mostly video, DVD disc images) before I could format and upgrade the computer to Vista. It’s definitely been a learning experience, though.
I’ve been writing a lot of political things on Facebook and other sites lately, because there’s a lot of ignorance and hate out there. But writing with ferocity and passion that comes with combating ignorance really takes it out of me.
Work has also been taking it’s toll on me, morale-wise. [There was a paragraph here all about how I can’t write things about work in any level of detail because people at work read it, and it’s just a bad idea. But I ended up going into detail about some b.s. that happened at work and decided to delete it all, just to be safe.] Suffice it to say, the amount of straw on the camel’s back is quickly surmounting the weight limit. That’s not a threat about anything. I’m just close to burning out completely.
Not sleeping is also taking a toll on me. I keep feeling like I’m going to nod off, or like I’m getting sick, and my brain plays tricks on me that I end up using my logical side to figure out. For example, my alarm clock went off this morning and I usually hit snooze, unfortunately I forgot after about three snoozes how to stop the noise, and it kept going off until I stopped to think about what the alarm actually meant and what I was supposed to do in response to it. I got out of bed fifteen minutes late this morning, and wound up about 10 minutes late to work.
Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been writing here. I did find out I made $1.88 hosting Ads for BuzzLogic, so I used that money via my PayPal debit card to buy a cup of coffee this morning to keep me awake. So far, it’s sort of working out for me. Also, what I feared would happen, has happened. My desire to self-censor because of my audience has caused me to hesitate to write personal posts on my blog that generates a certain amount of monthly income. So, I will continue to write personal things here, but deeply personal items have been diverted to another hidden, private location, so I can properly vent my frustrations in privacy and without censorship.