Top 10 Signs You’re a Douchebag
Do you ever just wake up and go, “I’m not sure if I’m a douchebag… if only some amateur blogger would come up with a list of top 10 signs, so that I could self-diagnose my condition, and then go see a medical professional who would prescribe me some anti-douchebagulent pills. If only…” and then your vision goes all swirly like in ’80s sitcom dream sequences? Well I certainly don’t. Douchebag.
Disclaimer: Some of you who know me know that I’ve been a douchebag to everyone at some point or another. There’s no need to call me out on it in the comments. It takes one to know one, sometimes.
Here’s my top ten signs you might be a douchebag:
1. You Can’t Drive, But You Think You’re Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
I’m tired of jerks weaving in and out of traffic because they think they’re going to get there any faster. With the price of gas going up like it is, I’ve learned to be a lot more conservative in my driving. Not to mention they’ll probably hit someone.
2. You Text Message While You Drive.
You are going to kill someone. Period. Stop this. I was on the way home from work the other week and I stopped to turn into my driveway, and some idiot came flying up behind me from around the curve and I looked back while I waited for traffic to clear on the other side, and I saw the idiot look up from her cell phone and go white just before she slammed on the brakes and veered off the side of the road to avoid me. She landed in someone’s yard. Whatever it is, it can wait until you’re not moving, or you can give the phone to your passenger and have them reply to your text messages for you.
3. You stop mindlessly in the middle of the grocery store to stare at things while carelessly blocking through traffic.
I understand the grocery store can inflict massive trauma on your ADD, but please, pull aside your cart and make sure people can pass by you while you stare, mouth agape, trying to decide what flavor of Hot Pocket you’d like to have this week. Please don’t leave your cart on one side and stand on the other to look at things, and ignore people standing there beside you waiting to pass.
4. You smoke while walking, or directly in front of a building’s entrance door, or in a non-smoking section of a restaurant.
Look, I’m not going to lecture on why you shouldn’t smoke. Smokers hear that enough already. I don’t smoke, and I don’t like it when people aren’t considerate of those who don’t. Walking while smoking forces everyone in your path to have to, to some degree, inhale bits of your smoke. In front of a building, with no other way to enter without walking all the way around the building, I’m forced to walk through your smoke cloud. In a restaurant, it ruins the taste of my food. Stop doing that, please. I realize this is a sensitive subject, and I’m not saying don’t smoke. I’m just saying be more considerate.
5. You pay with a hand-written check in the 20 items or less express checkout. Or with exact change in pennies.
I realize you have every right to pay with any method the store accepts in the express checkout. But don’t be a douchebag. Be considerate, and pay with cash or swipe your card. Even more considerate, use your debit card as a debit card, instead of credit, so you don’t even have to wait to sign.
6. You write obnoxious, racist, homophobic, homoerotic, or draw perverse and vulgar things on public bathroom walls.
I don’t like to use the public bathroom, because it’s gross. However, if the emergency arrives, the last thing I want there to comfort me is an inscription denoting how much you hate a race of people, or how for a good time, we can call Steve’s mom. And I certainly don’t want to see creepily-drawn eyes that appear to be watching me as I go.
7. You’re an emo kid.
I get it. The world is not a fun place to live all the time. Terrible tragedies befall the dolphins and the whales and global warming sucks, and you have low-self esteem and colors brighter than gray scare you. I once saw a picture on the internet that said “I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.” You are either actually depressed, and should seek medical help, or you need to knock it off and stop whining. You can continue to wear your black clothes and dark makeup and avoid the sunlight, but I’m not letting you anywhere within biting range of my neck.
8. You know everything about everything, and argue over stupid things.
I agree there are smarter people than myself in this world. Some people have the complete inability to just let things ride. Sometimes, it’s easier to let people sit in happy ignorance if it’s harmless, than it is to start an argument. Other times, when I’m just trying to make a point, I may misspeak or misstate a fact, but the meat of what I’m saying is still there and you get it. Don’t be that guy.
9. You hurt / abuse / otherwise harm or produce the threat of harming women or children (or small, defenseless men, like Andy Dick or Mimes).
This is worse than douchebaggery, but certainly qualifies for the list. Anyone who does any sort of thing to women or children that isn’t helping or protecting or caring for them, is a douchebag. I don’t think that needs further explanation.
10. You lock the door to the rear exit of the building at 4:57pm, when more than half the building gets off work at 5pm and parks behind the building.
This really isn’t that big of a deal, but I hate forgetting that the people who lock that door leave 3 minutes early every day and getting there at 5:05pm only to find it’s locked and I have to walk all the way up front and then around the building because no one’s given me a key to that door. But this should really be listed as “Don’t inconvenience me, because I’ll probably call you a douchebag behind your back, even though that’s kind of immature and childish.”
Like I said in the disclaimer above, I’ve probably done one or more of these things, and I qualify under my own list as being a douchebag at least part of the time. I wanted to post this though, so that these specific incidents might inspire both myself and my readers to be less douche-tastic, and to make the world a happier place.