Tired of the Roller Coaster
If you were able to keep riding on the same violent roller coaster over and over again, eventually you’d want to take a break just to get your equilibrium back, even if by then the fear had temporarily subsided. That’s how I feel. My fear of losing my dad has (I’ll give you that it’s probably temporarily) subsided.
I thought I’d get a break from worrying and from thinking about how to prepare for the worst. I thought I could be fairly sure I’d get to keep my dad around again for years. I thought I’d get to do my retarded chicken impression for him to make him laugh at least a thousand more times.
But the ride’s not over, at least not yet. I got a call the other day from my mom, after I posted the update about my dad the other day. The doctors say even though they can’t find a mass, he’s only gotten a very tiny bit better, and he’s still jaundiced and still having shooting pains in his abdomen. They say he has cirrhosis of the liver, and they aren’t sure how bad it is or what’s causing it.
They also say they’re leaning again towards him still having cancer somewhere in his liver or pancreas that’s causing the problem. They can’t be sure without a biopsy, and they won’t do a biopsy because they don’t want to put him through that and he doesn’t want them to do it.
I just want him to be better, and not to suffer. They’ve got him pain meds for now, and morphine ordered up in case he ends up needing it.