Bernie the Builder
Editor’s note: It seems that it’s incredibly frustrating to try and make every first letter in each paragraph bigger, so bear with me as I experiment with various typesetting and layout techniques over the next few weeks. Oh, and expect a LOT more posts more often, so check back frequently.
Bernie was a builder. Builders are fun people who put things together. Builders build buildings. Factories, stores, hospitals, houses, hotels, office buildings, skating rinks, roller coasters, train tracks, subways — they’re all built by builders.
Bernie was a particularly slow builder. He’d take a bolt and tap, tap, tap it in. He’d take another bolt and tap, tap, tap it in. He’d take a five minute break, then pick up another bolt and tap, tap, tap it in. Bernie liked to tap bolts. Bolts hold things together. Bernie liked being in charge of making things hold together. After all, how would a hospital or a factory stand up if it’s bolts didn’t hold together?
One day, Bernie’s foreman (that’s a builder word for boss) said, “Bernie, I know it’s almost Thanksgiving, and you’ve got other holidays to look forward to, but I’m going to have to let you go. You’re just too slow, Bernie.”
“Let you go” is a builder-talk for fired. Bernie was sad that he was “let go.” It didn’t really make that much sense. Bernie hadn’t wanted to leave, so how could he be “let go?” They were letting him leave, but Bernie wanted to stay.
The next day, Bernie went to the Unemployment Office (that’s a place where builders go to get money when there’s nothing for them to build). Bernie decided that since he hadn’t told his wife, Brenda, about being “let go,” he’d use some his Unemployment money to get her some lovely Thanksgiving flowers and take her out to dinner.
Brenda loved the flowers and asked Bernie what the special reason was for dinner and flowers. Bernie told her that even though he didn’t want to leave, his foreman had “let him go.” Brenda shouted some adult words at Bernie and left.
Bernie was sad. He went to the doctor, he was so sad. He asked the doctor, “Why am I so slow at building?”
The doctor told Bernie he had a condition (that’s a doctor word for a sickness that lasts a long time) called Attention Deficit Disorder. Apparently, Bernie gets distracted very easily and can’t concentrate for very long.
Bernie called his cousin Bob, who played a builder on TV. He told Bob all about his condition, and Bob said, “No problem! In TV land, everything is filmed and then edited. You could be as slow a builder as you wanted, and no one would notice!”
Bernie thought it over, and decided to join a TV show. He had to change his name to a fancy Hollywood name, you might know him now as a popular late-night show host with red hair and a suit. Bernie doesn’t build anymore, but he sure does have fun!